Thursday, December 09, 2010.

A few of the connect group leaders and shalynne, we went to Adora's place to surprise her during her last few minutes of her 21st birthday. In the car, Jiji and Gloria were sharing with me about the message that Pst Phil shared during leaders meeting which I have missed out. Talking about fruitfulness, the vines and the branches. God wants us to be fruitful. If we don't bear fruits, God will cut us out from the branches. Being fruitful in reaching out to souls and abiding in God. I got to confess that this year, I am not really there. This year marks my 7th year in church. I think i fell down this year, hit badly in thoughts, emotions, discipline, life etc. Most of the time I don't really feel like reading the word and pray, I kept feeling burnt out. There were times that I wanted to escape from church. There are only rare times that I feel so in love with God, while most of the time this year, I think I have been walking by myself and not with God. I have been just doing what I am familiar with and mistaken it as fruitfulness in my relationship with God.

This year is a goal-less year. I didn't really set any goals for myself. I didn't even write the goal card at the beginning of the year. But I just persue what I know I want to do in life and set myself goals here and there this year.

For 2011, I really need a change. I guess it's a good idea to sit down somewhere alone before this year ends, thinking about how to be fruitful for God once again in 2011.

{ 3:19:00 AM }

And I still know God is faithful...
:)

{ 3:18:00 AM }

Monday, December 06, 2010.

What's happening?

I don't know what's happening or even why did so much things happen this year?

Firstly, heart broken by a friend and never have i take so long to move on. I'm still trying my best not to feel the sink in my heart whenever i see this person around.

Secondly, diagnosed myself with a tumor is something that i have never imagined. No people of around my age has thing like this, why am i the one? The troubles that i have to go through, like financial, surgery, missing out my usual leisure, unable to work... all these are like nightmare. Dishearten and discourage.. fearful that things could get worsened. Suddenly i begin to ask, how can a small flu, headache, fever, or stomache compare to this. I know many people around me care or some just want to be kpo. People who doesnt know willl keep asking things like 'what happen?', 'are you alright?' ... People who knows will keep asking how am I? Im tired of explaining actually.

Thirdly, i failed one of my module. This is only my first year and first semester, the start of my uni life, and im failing... I have been telling myself to work hard & excel for my uni life, but i end up failing a module. The thought of repeating it next semester, the troubles of needing to go for enrolment session again and the money that i got to pay to retake the module again...

All these troubles that i have put myself into... can life be more simpler?

Right now it feels like on the inside im cuddling myself in one corner crying, yet also self-encouraging myself that everything is gonna be well... and on the outside, im potraying my positive and strong side. I'm still carrying my responsibility, somehow half-heartedly. Is it right?

Im feeling afraid upon hearing that my dad's hand is not well today. not an injury and not knowing the source of the pain. This is scary... The support of my life, please don't be down.

Are all these happening because of me? I have not been doing this certain enough...

{ 8:46:00 PM }

Like a fool waiting for you

like the wind,
it came and blew me away.
like the waves,
riding high and crushing over me.

this that i thought i had,
slipped through the webs of my hands.
this that i thought i’ve found,
was lost just as i gained my ground.

what a short period of joy we had,
nonetheless so many that we shared.
no one has ever let me feel this way,
but now you left with no words to be cared.

i would love to see your heart and mind,
to open it from the inside.
to show me what you have been thinking,
revealing your deepest innermost feelings.

but you have shut this door to me,
like a fool i wait in the rain.
feeling the tears of the sky,
flowing down with those from my face.

like a fool i will stand with his grace,
and i shall wait patiently with resilence and grace.
for the moment to come to pass,
where you and i will be together again as one.

{ 8:37:00 PM }

Thursday, December 02, 2010.

The person who don't even bother about you, who kicked you away just like that, who is so childish & you didnt even mean anything to him... why you still let him stuck in your mind for almost a year? How foolish are you!

{ 1:49:00 AM }