Sunday, January 30, 2011.

I don't know if there is a u-turn on my feeling towards you. I hope not... because that time, it did not end quite well. You disappeared.

{ 3:27:00 AM }

My days will be better!

I want to be positive & get more stronger this year. emotionally, mentally & spiritually... Heartbreaks, hurts & disappointments, who can i lift it up to other than my heavenly Father.

This morning was a disaster. My heart hurt like mad... All the cold wars with my mum since before my birthday last year and it only got better few days ago. My mum just go mad this morning & had a fight with my brother. My dad came back home when my mum was spilling all her unhappiness and anger on me after my brother left the house. My dad came home and add in to it. The expectations, the thoughts, the words that they had said towards me really hurts. really really hurts... Have i never care about my mum? Have i not help in housework? not often but i really had... and they have never realised... Times when i am washing dishes & washing clothes, they can just walk pass and seems like they didn't see anything. when times im not doing anything, resting at home, they can say i have never done anything at home... How sad...? They can always compare me with those earning big bucks at my age, and said that at the age of 24, i only know how to play... useless... have i been playing? no i didnt...

well, they had much more things...

I want peace in my family. What can i do...? God says, "pray..." I felt that God is telling me this 'Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be open.' All the hurts, i only can lift it up to Him & look to Him...

Next, about a friend... I think we are drifting further from each other... Today, how much have we really talked when we met each other? not really much... almost nothing...

Another friend... Seeing & spending time with you, chatting with you everyday, or almost everyday during those bus rides & train rides has been such a joy. i wonder what is it like to our friendship when such chances has gone. And it's going to end real soon... What kind of friend am i to you? I am kinda afraid that we will go back what we were like before... see each other without a Hi...

{ 2:24:00 AM }

Saturday, January 15, 2011.

Most of the times, it is through quality time and the time i spent with a person will make me feel that i have got closer with the person... no matter a friend, a stranger, my leader or family member.

I love quality time, i treasure all those quality times especially with the people i love & treasure!
Well, that is my love language!
heeee~

{ 1:02:00 AM }

Things do changed...

When you thought that you can't let go a person who used to be in your life...
When you spent such a long time trying to forget a person...
When everything seems like not going anywhere...
This is when you are trying so hard, everything will just seems difficult.

You just got tokeep trying and keep forgeting.
When things changed after the new year, no more silence, back to friends...
Not a single feeling came back...
This person aren't that important to you anymore...
:)

{ 12:49:00 AM }

Saturday, January 01, 2011.

BYE 2010, HI 2011.

i guess i gonna start off my post by saying 2010 was not been a great year for me.

There are times that i fell and hurt myself so badly.
There are times that i really doubt myself so much, thinking that im just not good enough.
There are times that my self-esteem went to the lowest.
There are times that i would cry myself to sleep on my bed at night.
There are times that i felt so lonely, no one to pour out my heart to.
There are times that my tears just burst out when i was travelling on trains and buses.
There are times that i would cry when i was on my way walking back home and dry my tears downstair before i stepped into my house.
There are times that i would cry in the toilet when i was bathing.
There are times that i feel so tired that i just wished to sleep for the next 24 hours or never wake up.

Sometimes i did not know what i was being bothered about, it were just all the negtive thoughts came into my mind.
2010 is probably year that i haven't achieved much and i think that it wasn't a fruitful year for me.
I did disappoint many people around me.
My weaknesses that i didn't thought i have for the past 7 years since im saved, all showed up.
All my stubborness, my discipline, my accountability.
That was the first time for the past 7 years, i feel like running away from service and cellgroup.

I felt like i don't want to be at home because no one understands what i want.
I felt like i was always lacking financially.
I doubted a lot on my friendships with my closer friends around me.
I doubted myself, my ability, my talent, how much God have been doing though me.
I stayed in hospital, had surgery, diagnosed with a tumor that was so close to cancerous.
I didn't do well for my exam, out of my expectation.
I felt that i couldn't connect with God.
I felt that i had lost my spiritual life, i was just going through the routine.
I had many cold wars with my mum.

But there are still a few happy things that worth mentioned.
I stepped out and gave my first Bible study to my members. It wasn't a difficult thing, but preaching or teaching is just not my thing. Sometimes when you're really not good at the thing, you just hate doing it.
I led praise & worship in my cellgroup meetings.
My fruits (connect group members) who are so sweet & they had shown their love for me.

Friends that have been staying by my side, helping me through, encouraging me.

Well, all these were the past! I believe for a great year in 2011!!
:))))

I will grow more spiritually!
I will rise up in choir!
I will be more fruitful in my life!
I will have a prosperous soul!
I will be a better connect group leader!
I will be more closer to God!
I will be more closer to my family!
I will Ace for my school results!
I will feel good about myself!
I will have better relationship with my close friends!
I will find my 'best friend'!
.
.
.

YES AMEN!
:D

{ 12:30:00 AM }